This Marriage Is Over: Time to Date Our Next-Door Neighbor

It’s nearly time for that cyclical November phenomenon when we liberals vow to move to Canada if the opposition wins. It’s not that we’re sore losers and don’t want to stay here just because a Republican comes out on top. Eisenhower was ok, and even Reagan and the elder Bush were palatable. If only conservatives would offer up a non-dregs-of-humanity candidate — but they’re enamored with the dregs model, it seems. So… back to our liberal ritual… first comes denial, then depression, then, “I’m getting the hell out of this country!” But what if, instead of threatening to move to Canada, we move Canada to us?

Trump may win in November, and four more years of MAGA will be like loaning your friend a pair of panties when she’s not packed enough for a camping trip. You hand over the undies saying, “Keep them. I have others!” After a second Trump term, most of the good stuff will be gone. Like air, water, multisyllabic words, endangered animals, freedom of speech, diplomacy, decency. The U.S. after eight years of Trump will be exactly like used underwear peppered with a stench of totalitarianism.

So rather than wait until 2024 to get our hopes up again, at which point one of the henchmen under his tutelage may slide into office anyway, it’s time to plan a merger of our East and West Coasts with Canada. Naturally, this Canada + U.S. coalescence would be christened Canadus. If you look at a map of Canada right now, you’ll see a few reasons why Canadians will be insanely gung-ho about the merger.

First of all, they have no palm trees. They would do anything to annex SoCal and Hawaii. (Yes, of course, we’re giving up Florida for Hawaii. Fair is fair!)

Secondly, their country is already fragmented into all sorts of unflattering, nonsensical shapes scattered all the way up to the Arctic Ocean. If they merge with our coasts (down to Mexico and screeching to a halt at Washington, D.C.), their nation’s outline would look no more haggard and unbecoming than it already does. In fact, it would resemble a massive crab with two big claws enveloping the remaining U.S. landmass, left behind like a dim-witted orphan. A threatening pose, to be sure, but a cool mascot idea for a hockey team. Previous plans for the U.S. coasts to secede failed only because the intervening states would’ve thrown a wrench into the works. Ideally, we need a land route, and Canadus is the solution because traffic from Portland to Boston could pass through scenic southern Canada, at least when the blizzards subside.

Can you imagine trading frowning, doltish Trump for dashing Trudeau, a man who can explain quantum computing as if he’s rattling off nursery rhymes? Not to mention, in a graphic design sense, the Canadian flag is way more stylish — not nearly as cluttered and clunky as the American flag — and suggests warm maple syrup dripping from pancakes on a frigid Saturday morning. Pot is legal there, there are more ethnic restaurants than you can throw a stick at, there’s no death penalty, and we’d be living in the same country as Prince Harry and Rachel McAdams. It doesn’t get any better, right?

Must every American who votes against Trump leave their red state to relocate to a coastal state? If so, those states will get unbearably crowded. No. Just look at the frickin’ map of Canada. It’s a vast tundra begging for warm, sweaty bodies to take up homesteading. And we Americans are famous the world over for having plenty of extra cushion like seals. We’ve evolved in the last fifty years precisely for populating Yukon and Nunavut.

What about the Trump supporters in Vermont who don’t want to be part of Canadus? They’ll just have to swap houses with Democrats in Wyoming. Yes, it’s that easy. If people feel strongly enough about their political views, trading their home for one in a politically compatible country is a paltry price to pay for peace of mind. And with a passport, we’ll all be able to visit each other, so no worries! It’ll be our version of Brexit but much less fucked up.

So what will become of the new U.S. unburdened of its liberal cohort? It will undoubtedly be poorer in many ways. Without the coastal areas, it will have lost a lot of manufacturing, tourism, tax revenue, cultural centers, top hospitals, young talent, and major universities. But it will have gained a new ease of governing. Fox News and the government can indulge their illicit love affair openly, and citizens will rejoice to be rid of obstructionists in Congress. The leader can lead, and the people can follow like sheep. The U.S. will regress into a developing nation, like India or Vietnam. And we will feel sorry for it, but we’ll also be hella glad we got the hell out of there.

Oh, what’s that you say? We may want to merge with Canada, but they may not want to merge with us? Merde.

PLEASE vote on November 3rd.